Here’s a screenshot of my Dry January app. Look at all those sweet little teacups! I feel very proud when I mark this calendar every day. Every little teacup is a huge victory for me.
Something that seemed impossible and torturous three weeks ago – to forgo alcohol for one entire month – is now my new normal. My routine. I still have at least 20 bottles of wine in my house and while I do still get nightly cravings, I am not even tempted to open a bottle. That would be cheating myself out of this life-changing gift I have chosen to give and to receive.
Now that we are more than halfway through the month, thoughts creep into my head about where I will go from here. Will I be able to moderate? Will I even want wine? Will I stay alcohol-free? Or will I fall right back down a boozy black hole?
When I think about what I will do on February 1, I get a little anxious. I’m afraid one glass will turn into two which will turn into three which will turn into a bottle. I’m afraid I will fall right back into old habits and I will be in the same place (with the same puffy face) on December 31, 2018 as I was on December 31, 2017.
Starting to get caught up in the anxiety, I remind myself to stay present. Yes, I am more than halfway through. Yes, I can now see the light of February 1 at the end of this sober – and sobering – tunnel. But what matters is today. Today’s tiny tea cup with a little umbrella in it. Today’s flavored seltzer on the rocks in a wine glass. Today’s blue dot. Or not! I have lots of weeklies waiting to be used.
Wherever this month is taking me, it’ll be a better place than the one in which I’ve spent too much of my adult life. I am only beginning to grasp where I was, now that the booze fog has lifted. I still have a lot of processing, reading, and pondering to do. And I just have to trust that I’ll never go back.
So, here’s to today. Not tomorrow, not next month, not next year, and not forever. Today is everything. Today is enough.