Free February

I have decided that I am going to think about this month as Free February. Which is a bit contrary to my rule-following nature so I’m interested to see how I do. Here are the freedoms I am granting myself this month:

1. Free from labels

2. Free to explore my relationship with alcohol

3. Free to commit to Freestyle

4. Free to not track while I am in London with my family

5. Free to love and accept myself just as I am

As I wrote yesterday, I am feeling the need to be free of labels right now. I am not ready to label myself as “sober” or “alcohol-free” and that is ok. I need to be free to continue to explore my relationship with alcohol. To take my own authentic journey through this tricky territory.

I am also going to stop stressing about whether or not to commit to Freestyle and just give it more time. This weight loss journey is a marathon not a sprint.

And since we are taking our kids to London in a couple of weeks, I am also going to spend some this month not tracking. I plan to make good choices – some of the time. I also plan to eat all of my favorite foods without guilt, knowing that I will get back on track as soon as I get home.

This month I am going to make an extra effort to love myself just as I am. Even if I drink wine. Even if I eat an entire jar of Nutella while in London. Even if I gain weight.

I hereby embrace my flaws. I hereby love that I am a work in progress. I hereby accept that life is a constant recalibration and I love that I have come so far in achieving a healthier overall balance.

Five days in to Free February, and on my first February weigh-in day, here’s where I am:

  • 0 lb lost
  • 1 lb gained
  • -19 weeklies
  • 4 blue dots
  • 5 workouts
  • 1 glass of wine

Relieved the gain was just a pound considering the degree to which I allowed Super Bowl Sunday to be an excuse to overindulge. This week I will get back to six blue dots, maintain my workouts, and stay within my weekly points.

More on that glass of wine in my next post.

 

Breaking Dry

Getting ready to head over to our neighbors’ house to watch the Super Bowl. I’m bringing a bottle of wine. And I’m going to have two glasses. I am pre-tracking them. And I hope no one will think less of me for choosing to drink tonight.

I am a rule follower. Which is one reason why I thrived during Dry January. Clear rules and a finite amount of time.

Now I feel like my eyes and mind have been opened to the realization of a life with a lot less alcohol, and maybe even without alcohol. But I am not ready to label myself yet. I need to spend some time exploring my relationship with alcohol. I need to do more reading. I need to go out and drink and go out and not drink. I don’t plan on going full Annie Grace and taking a video of myself drinking an entire bottle of wine – in fact I don’t plan on ever drinking an entire bottle of wine in one night again. But I do want to have some tonight and see how I feel.

And honestly? I’m hoping it makes me feel like shit. Because I now know what alcohol really is and the impact it has on my body. I also know that I haven’t had any wine in over a month and I have a kickboxing class tomorrow morning so I better watch it!

This is where I am on Super Bowl Sunday 2018. Where will I be next year? Where will I be next month? I don’t know. All I know is I’m so grateful to be on this journey.

Post-Game Update (Congrats Eagles!!): I had one glass. First few sips were fun. I still like the taste. But then I started sneezing! I think I may have had some sort of allergic reaction! Crazy. Finished the glass, kept sneezing, felt no good buzz at all. Just felt less sharp and less happy. Kept sneezing. Ate way too many of my hubby’s homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreading my weigh-in tomorrow but so much to think about. I’m kind of relieved I didn’t love drinking again, I must admit!

Wine not?

Funny that this was the dish towel I pulled out of the drawer today, as it was also the question that was in my head all day long. Today is February 1. So Dry January is technically over. And coincidentally tonight I have a date night with my husband and we are going out for our first nice dinner together since before the holidays.

So I have been debating all day. Wine? No wine? In my gut, I have to admit, I don’t feel ready. But on the other hand, this is the first time my husband and I have been to this beautiful restaurant and what’s just one glass? Wine not?

But for me tonight, it’s “Wine? Not.” And that’s OK. And it would also be OK if I did decide to drink tonight. For me personally, I feel in my gut that I want to finish reading This Naked Mind before I drink again. (And with the Super Bowl coming up on Sunday, I better get crackin’!)

Not to mention the points! Alcohol is a LOT of points! Tonight, I’ll be spending those points on dessert instead.

I’m trying to remind myself that there is no right or wrong here. If I’m not ready, I’m not ready. And that’s OK. If I never drink again, that’s OK. If I drink a few glasses of wine on Sunday, as long as I have the points for it, that’s OK.

For tonight: wine? Not. But dessert? Bring it on!