I started my day jolted awake from a booze-imbibing anxiety dream (just a dream, didn’t drink the booze, didn’t know this was a common thing! Yikes!) and that sort of set the tone for the day. Everything about the day was off. And this off day culminated in a dinner out at what used to be one of my favorite restaurants because they are very generous with their wine pours. However, without my huge–ass glass of Sauvignon Blanc, the food seemed only so-so and worth neither the boatload of smart points nor making my kids 20 minutes late for bath and bedtime. I’m tired, I feel gross after eating a sub-par dinner, and I just feel fried. I wasn’t tempted to drink so much (because I am a rule-follower after all) but I definitely was missing it tonight. Very eager to not miss wine and I don’t know if I ever won’t. But I made it through, and tomorrow is a new day with new points and new opportunities – and hopefully no anxiety dreams tonight!
Maybe it’s because we are now into double digits that I’ve been thinking a lot about numbers today. I am also on track to do five workouts for the second consecutive week, which is unheard of for me. But it will happen! Woohoo!
The other number I’ve been pondering is the number of booze points I am saving. I estimate I averaged about 15 wine points per day before Dry January. Sure, some days I limited myself to one glass. But other days I had four. And I regularly drank an entire bottle in a night. So for every 7 point wine day there was a 21 point wine day. 21 points!! I only get 23 points daily on Weight Watchers’ Freestyle program! Even though it was only 11 days ago that I was stuck in this unhealthy routine, I am already shocked by how much I drank. 105-ish points per week. YIKES. Some days I ate less to save points for wine. Other days I went way over my dailies and I often went way over my weeklies. Ugh.
This Naked Mind is obviously resonating with me. I think I will keep coming back to this, throughout this month and beyond: “Forgive yourself. You are the hero of the story. There is no reason to dwell on the negativity of the past and every reason to forgive yourself. Look forward to an incredible future.”
And a hell of a lot more points!
I didn’t post last night. I didn’t post last night because, for several hours, I did not look at my phone. I did not look at my phone because, for the first time in recent memory, my husband and I sat down to eat a yummy meal at an actual table and talked for several hours. We talked about a lot of big stuff that we have needed to talk about for several weeks but that has gotten pushed aside with the craziness of the holidays. It was a big talk. A necessary talk. And a good talk. And it occurs to me that before Dry January, when I was drinking six or seven nights a week, I wouldn’t have been capable of a talk like this because I would have been too tired and/or irritable and/or distracted. I have thought a lot about how Dry January is improving my life and making me a better mom to my kids, but I realize it’s also making me a better wife and partner to my husband. Long-simmering tension is lifting, I can see issues with greater clarity and discuss them with greater compassion. And my gratitude continues to grow.
These are my kids. But this is also how I felt 9 days ago. “This seems like a good idea… or is it? Will I get a great experience out of this or will I get crushed?” Nine days in, the answer is pretty darn clear.
Today I accomplished a fun personal fitness milestone: I completed my 100th ride on my beloved Peloton bike. I have been a regular in the Tuesday 6am class for several months because I can sneak down to the basement and get in a great workout with my favorite instructor before my household erupts into the day’s chaos. And even though my legs felt heavy today, it was not because I had several drinks last night – it was because I had a kick-ass kickboxing workout yesterday and a spin class the day before that. I marvel at – and try not to beat myself up about – the fact that I used to routinely do this 6am ride hungover. Or if not fully hungover, certainly hazy from the wine I’d imbibed the night before. I am still exploring my penchant for self-sabotage but feeling grateful that I am also a rule-follower. And right now the rule is no booze. Self-sabotage is not an option because I am sober and tracking my points like a boss. Could I actually be changing ingrained behaviors and habits? Only nine days into this experiment? I think I might be! And it is liberating.
Wherein I eat the ice cream cake but abstain from the booze. And that is an accomplishment considering we threw our daughter her dream birthday party today: two crazy hours at a trampoline park with 20 kindergarteners and a handful of toddler siblings. It was incredibly stressful for me because the place was jam-packed with cabin-fevered kids of all ages literally bouncing off the walls and our assigned party organizers were, shall we say, organizationally challenged. I am still vibrating with the letdown of cortisol, or something – all I know is I can’t soothe my stress with my precious wine. But this is my CHOICE and I am proud of myself for sticking to it. I also plan to dig deep into the 45 weeklies I saved up before my first Dry January weigh in tomorrow. Whatever it takes to get this weekend in the rear view mirror! So ready to tackle week two!
This sweet powerhouse of a girl turns SIX tomorrow. And because I have made the choice – conscious of that word I just typed – to have a Dry January, I am going to wake up with a clear head and be able to fully absorb her first moments as a six year old. If I had not made this choice, I would have relied on my trusty bottle of Sauv B or multiple margaritas to get me through gift wrapping tonight. I would be going to bed with the room spinning and waking up feeling nasty and ashamed. Instead, I conquered another Dry January milestone – a booze-free dinner out – and got the wrapping done without an energy crash (thank you Freestyle for the free protein!). This has NOT been easy and I am still processing what it all means to me, but I can say without hesitation that I am proud. And relieved. And oh so ready for tomorrow.
I was expecting to hit the hay tonight feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t get to drink. I can’t remember the last Friday night when I didn’t have several glasses of wine, so staying sober was a big milestone in this Dry January journey. But I DID IT. And it occurred to me, as I was wiping down the kitchen counter and turning off the light to come up to bed – that this is the time of night when the buzz would start wearing off and the guilt would start setting in. “Why did I drink so much? I went so far over my daily points! I feel so fat. I’m going to feel like crap tomorrow. How am I going to get through the day?” Etc etc etc until I would conk out in a haze and likely wake up sometime in the middle of the night dehydrated and soaked with sweat. Gross. I miss wine. But I don’t miss the guilt. Or the gross. So while I did dawdle a bit at my own pity party tonight, I didn’t stay long. Mama’s got better things to do.