TGI… OMG I’m So Tired

Oh but it’s so much more than oatmeal, y’all.

Two and a half weeks since I’ve posted here! Feeling so far behind, and with so much to say, and not enough time to actually write it all out. Because, you know, life. Momlife, to be specific. The end of the school year has mercilessly hurtled itself at us at light speed and I was SO NOT READY. I’m never ready, but I felt even less ready this year. But it is happening, so.

So I find myself at Starbucks, still sweaty from my 45-minute kickboxing class and with an hour to spare before I have to release my babysitter and report back to mom duty. I’m taking hold of this precious hour with both hands, trying not to strangle it but holding on to each minute for dear life. This has been a trying week, with my under-the-weather-yet-still-rambunctious (HOW?!!) four-year-old son usurping most of my energy. He is between school and summer camp this week, and I thought it would be easier than past years (four is supposed to be better than three which is supposed to be better than two…) but SURPRISE! Having him with me all week has left me feeling exhausted deep into my bones.

And I feel guilty admitting that. Because he is such a darn good, sweet, fun kid. And I feel like I should be a stronger, more creative, more energized mom. That I should have created a week of magic and quality time and craft projects and museum trips and – how am I still allowing myself to be a victim of mom guilt almost 7 years into parenthood?!

STOP.

Enough. Back to what is real: I feel deeply, utterly pooped. I have been in bed by 8:30 the last two nights, asleep by 9:30, and STILL feel totally wrecked when my alarm jars me awake at six. I’ve been hydrating and eating better than I have in weeks, yet I can’t shake this fatigue and fuzzy brain. (“Did I pay the babysitter on Monday?” “Did I hug my kid goodbye?”) So I’ve started feeling anxious about that, which of course makes everything worse.

I haven’t felt anxiety like this since I was a big ol’ wino. And it is most unwelcome.

Let’s focus on the positive. I’m proud of myself for prioritizing my kickboxing class during a week when routine is out the window. When I got to the ‘bux I had a dozen FitPoints and all my Weeklies at my disposal and I chose to spend nine of these precious points on oatmeal with honey and nuts, plus a 0-point unsweetened iced green tea. The pre-Weight Watchers me would have ordered a sausage sandwich and a venti cold brew with a generous splash of soy milk. But I actually WANTED to make this healthy choice. My eating habits are truly changing for the better! YAY. (I’ll have that cold brew tomorrow though.)

So, I may be at the end of a wonky week and feeling disoriented by fatigue and stuck in an anxiety-fueled cycle of yuck, but I’m proud of myself for building strength and endurance through kickboxing and then refueling in such a healthy way. Sometimes eking out a small victory (or two!) is a huge victory in itself.

My Alcohol Experiment: Day 2

Day 2 of The Alcohol Experiment: the drinking cycle [spoiler alert: it’s fundamentally same for all of us and it’s not our fault!] and SLEEEEEEEP.

This is one of the main reasons why I decided to go back to being alcohol-free. Our house is full of two young kids, one senior dog, and a puppy – and sometimes it’s like they are in cahoots to ensure that mama does not get a full night of sleep. One night it’s the kindergartener waking me at 2am, the next night it’s the puppy. Granted it’s not as bad as the newborn baby days, but an uninterrupted night’s sleep is still not a sure thing and may never be again.

Since I already have a house full of little beings conspiring against me, why would I want to conspire against myself? I realized during Dry January how great a sober, like-a-rock night of sleep truly is, and I ecstatically enjoyed the benefits of it. I couldn’t believe how much natural energy I had.

The last four weeks have been so crazy I am just pooped. I am desperate for energy, and I know that sleep is the key.

So, thank you Annie Grace for bringing home this point with a super helpful explanation of just how profoundly drinking affects sleep. Added bonus that the guy doing the explaining has an adorable British accent.

ANY amount of alcohol affects sleep. Right now I am so desperate to gain energy back that is a risk I am happy to avoid!

Will I ever feel really well rested ever again? Does any parent feel well rested? Ha!

 

[The Alcohol Experiment is a free, interactive 30-day program designed by Annie Grace, author of This Naked Mind. For more information, click here.]

Dry January Day 23

Still tired (i.e. Fred is me). But a solid sober day. And that in itself is an accomplishment.

I was able to carve out some reading time this morning and made it through more of This Naked Mind – coincidentally, the “Liminal Point” chapter on drinking to relieve stress and anxiety. It just hit me this week that my usual anxiety has been MIA for the past several weeks. I feel cautiously liberated from this ever-present mental burden that ebbs and flows between minor irritant and consuming captor.

I thought alcohol eased stress. I drank “to take the edge off.” But I was wrong. Totally wrong. Duped. And I know now I’m neither alone nor at fault.

As Annie Grace puts it, “Why do we believe alcohol helps stress and anxiety? Because it can make you oblivious to your stressors even when it’s worsening them… it inebriates you, which covers the pain for a short amount of time. As soon as it wears off, your stress returns and, over time, multiplies.”

Yup.

So. Day 23 in the bag. 6am Peloton spin class completed, blue dot earned. Aiming for more sleep tonight to start feeling more on my game tomorrow!