A Successful Snow Day

We are deep into the witching hour (read: kids going bonkers), I spent too many points on snacks, and our house is surrounded by slush, but I’m calling this snow day a great success. Not only because of what I accomplished but to recognize how far I’ve come.

I managed to spend some good quality time with my kids doing games and crafts, and while they were planted in front of a movie I accomplished some house projects that have long been lingering on my to do list (such as organizing our new reclaimed wood shelves in our dining room, pictured here!).

I have also spent some time today reading through some of my posts from Dry January. I remember the first snow day we had that month and how difficult it was for me to even contemplate a snow day without wine. And to be honest, the open bottle of wine in my fridge has been taunting me. But instead of surrendering to it and drinking it, I listened to the Rachel Hart podcast on “What is Enough” and why we are so reluctant to “waste” something even if it’s not good for us.

I am a lot closer to pouring the wine down the drain than I was. And maybe I’ll even do it tonight. The important thing is that now I have an understanding of why I’m so reluctant to “waste” it. And I also understand that if I don’t “waste” it by pouring it down the drain, it will go to waste in my body instead. Why would I want that? What benefit will I get out of drinking the rest of this wine that sent me into a sneezing fit the other night? None! And yet I haven’t poured it out yet. Ugh! But I’m proud of myself for taking this time to contemplate why, and attempt to retrain my brain. I can’t believe how deeply ingrained this notion of not wasting wine is in my head. But I accept it and I will continue to battle it truthfully.

 

Dry January Day 24

Except for having no control over a pint of #Enlightened ice cream this afternoon, today has been a wonderful, reaffirming, milestone-making day.

My daughter lost her first tooth this morning! Milestones are fewer and farther between nowadays, so this was a big one. The tooth had been very loose for several days and there was excitement, but also a lot of apprehension on her part. What would it feel like? Will it hurt? Will there be blood? All understandable concerns. You can’t forget the feeling of losing a tooth, but do you remember not knowing what it would feel like? Pretty crazy to see my own daughter grappling with that!

In the end, it just fell right out. We were in the middle of a project this morning and all of a sudden she exclaimed, “My tooth just fell out!” She was ecstatic, giddy, and bursting with pride as she held the tiny tooth in her hand.

I will never forget that moment. Not just because it is such a huge milestone, but because I was there. I was 100% THERE. Completely present. Not fighting a hangover, dehydrated, puffy, and full of regret. After what has been kind of a meh week, experiencing this milestone with my daughter this morning completely re-charged me and made me appreciate, truly appreciate, how much better my life has been without alcohol.

There. I said it. And I mean it. My life is better without alcohol. EEK. I just typed that.

I still crave it. I have anxiety dreams about it almost nightly. I still can’t imagine my life without it.

But this morning I got to experience my daughter having her big kid breakthrough moment with such pure, crisp clarity and complete presence that I also can’t imagine going back to where I was. So to this profound gratitude I cling, and I remind myself to take this one day at a time. And this was an excellent day.

… Oh, and I had the creative energy and wherewithal to make her a tooth fairy pillow (shown in this post’s pic)! I haven’t used my sewing machine in months and my day was jam-packed, but I got it done and she adores it. Woohoo!

 

Dry January Day 22

After a disappointing weigh-in today (0lbs lost… which of course can also be looked at as 0lbs gained!) I decided that today was going to be an non-scale victory (nsv in WW lingo) kind of day. I tried my best to put the scale out of my mind and instead stay present and focus on all of the nsv’s throughout my day.

Here they are:

  • I slayed at kickboxing class despite feeling very tired today. And by “slay” I mean I worked as hard as I could, learned a lot, and had a blast. I am still a newbie but I’m enjoying it tremendously – even just enjoying exercise so much is in itself an nsv for me!
  • I took my son to lunch at Whole Foods, where I looked for the cleanest thing I could find to eat (fish and kale salad). And I had a cute date to boot!
  • I baked with my kids when my daughter got home from school (nsv: staying present with my kids).
  • We made our first Mudhustler recipe – the Elvis Cake! It was delish!!
  • … and I managed to not eat the whole thing!
  • And of course, no wine. Which I have started to take for granted, but since today is an nsv kind of day I am consciously reminding myself that any night with no wine is a big nsv for me!

22 days down. BOOM.

 

Dry January Day 17

Yes it’s empty.

But I am broken. I’m over the edge. My soul has been sucked. Snow day witching hour reared its ugly whiny attitude-y head in my house this evening and broke me.

Yes it’s empty.

But:

1) At least it’s not an empty bottle of wine; and

2) I am still getting a blue dot thanks to the delish 1-smart point turkey chili I made for dinner.

So at least there’s #snowdaygoals!

Beyond that, I have the two most amazing children in the world. Like, I actually believe that. As every parent does. I actually believe that my two kids are the greatest human beings to ever grace this planet.

But they can be real assholes.

And tonight they broke me.

I cried, they cried, and then after awhile we talked it out, we read some books. We returned to our regularly scheduled bedtime.

I tucked in my son who said, “I’m trying to be a better boy, Mama.” And I believe him.

I tucked in my daughter and we agreed, she and I, to be kinder to each other. To speak to each other with less attitude and more empathy. We both broke down tonight and now we are in cahoots. We will build each other back up again tomorrow with love and kindness. I hope.

I was broken. And I’m exhausted. But I shudder to think of what shape I would be in right now if this were 18 days ago. If my kids had behaved this way 18 days ago, with the whining and the attitude and the stubbornness. I would have started drinking before 5. I would have eaten anything and everything I could get my hands on that would give me a mere moment of comfort. I would have thought, well I blew it tonight so I might as well not track the rest of the week.

And I never could have ended this day with grace.

But I did. My kids and I, together, ended a witching hour for the ages with grace, and understanding, and love.

So yes, the pint is empty. I didn’t need to eat it all, but I did. And that’s ok. This evening held smaller and more significant triumphs.

And tomorrow is a new day.

 

Dry January Day 16

Day 16. What was notable about this day? The fact that it felt just fine, thank you. Normal. Steady. And even though my dog woke me up at 5am and I did a 6am Peloton spin class, I have not crashed all day.

I felt noticeably more patient with my kids, too. Before Dry January, I would need to have wine to get through the witching hour and then by story time I would be irritable and impatient, overwhelmed by how much I still had to do. Tonight, after we finished their stories, I sat with my kids and we just chatted. We snuggled, we took stock of the day. Together. No rush. And I still got them to bed on time and came downstairs to cook a delish dinner.

So tonight, I delight in normalcy. No, in NEW normalcy. A happier, more patient and energized, less anxious normal. And even though it feels normal it also feels miraculous.