Post-Binge Reflections

Not a perfect day. But a better day. I accept that, and I am so grateful. Weight Watchers has given me the ability to bounce back and the permission to forgive myself and move on from heinous snack attacks (and last night’s was truly epic) with grace. To move on with self-love and confidence even in the darkest and most embarrassing moments.

I consumed 96 smart points yesterday (I am given 23 smart points each day). About 15% of those points were healthy. The rest was absolute crap. I ate so much I felt sick. Part of me was hoping I’d actually throw up, and that is a disgusting and scary place to be. Thanks to my wonderful hubby I was able to laugh just enough to not be completely overcome with misery. We joked about the tortilla chip-chocolate-caramel corn baby in my belly and how I was experiencing third trimester discomfort coupled with first trimester nausea. Yeehaw!

That snack devil baby caused me to have sugar sweats all night. My daughter woke me at 3:30am and I was drenched, had a horrible taste in my mouth, and actually smelled bad! EWW. It was as gross as a bad night of drinking. And while I’m proud I didn’t drink, my eyes (and nostrils, sorry, TMI) are now open to the impact of overindulging in sugar and salt. It ain’t pretty and it ain’t cute.

One of my very wise and thoughtful friends on Connect reminded me today to think about what I’ve learned from Annie Grace and This Naked Mind and apply it here. She reminded me that WILLPOWER IS A FINITE RESOURCE. (Any lightbulbs going off for anyone else??)

I am already frayed from travel prep and helping my son and husband through yucky viruses last week. I used a LOT of willpower at a lunchtime play date yesterday, and then the afternoon struck, and various life stressors pushed me past being able to white-knuckle myself to dinnertime. I remain amazed and thrilled that I had no desire to drink. And now the realization that I can apply Annie Grace’s guidance to eating and not just drinking will be hugely helpful.

The picture above is a portrait of me that my daughter – then age 3 – drew of me the day before our family embarked upon our second cross-country move in 8 months. Yeah, I was a little stressed out during that time in my life. Not surprisingly, I was also at my heaviest weight. I laminated the drawing and keep it constantly at hand, as a reminder of what true stress really is and how the way we react and adapt obviously impacts our children.

In the grand scheme, last night’s sober snack binge is not a big deal. Nor is the fact that I’ve gone over my points again today. What’s important is that I am learning from every step of this journey – the steps forward as well as the steps back. And if I can stay in a place of gratitude and receptivity and resilience, one of these days I’ll turn around and see that I’m far beyond where I ever thought I could be.

Supermom Yesterday, Schlump Today

I am not going to make my workout goal this week. I am not going to make my blue dot goal this week either. This is, of course, discouraging. And I fear yet another gain when I step on the scale for my weigh-in tomorrow. But after Supermomming it while my husband was bedridden with a nasty virus yesterday, I had a restless night of sleep sequestered with my two dogs in our tiny and remarkably stuffy guest room (no one has ever complained! Our house guests are too polite!).

I woke up with legs that felt like jelly and a face so puffy I had to second-guess whether or not I drank a bottle of wine last night. I didn’t, of course, which made the puffy face feel very unfair. Cue the pity party! Let’s bake! And so I did.

Today I’ve been trying to focus on self-care while ticking off necessary to-do’s and not falling too far into my current slump. I WANT TO EAT ALL THE THINGS. I have already eaten too many tortilla chips. Bought them yesterday using the excuse of bringing my sick hubby his favorite snack – and I’ve eaten half the bag. Ughhh!!! Oh, and I’ve also had three slices of the Mudhustler Elvis Cake I made. Wtf?!! Get it together!

I am down to a wee pile of weeklies to get me through the rest of this day. I am determined to at least stay within my points. And so I will.

But I’m otherwise feeling frustrated and thinking I need to focus more on portion control and also not eating so much processed food. My stomach has not been happy with me all week. I’m determined to figure out how to make Freestyle work for me instead of against me but I think I’ve just taken too much advantage of the zero-point foods and tempting hacks that I see on Connect.

We leave for London in six days. I am not going to track while we’re there so I really want to get ahead of it and get on that plane feeling svelte and energized. Right now I feel like I’m at the bottom of a mountain of tortilla chips.

Oh but I’m not drinking! At least there’s that!

Breaking Dry

Getting ready to head over to our neighbors’ house to watch the Super Bowl. I’m bringing a bottle of wine. And I’m going to have two glasses. I am pre-tracking them. And I hope no one will think less of me for choosing to drink tonight.

I am a rule follower. Which is one reason why I thrived during Dry January. Clear rules and a finite amount of time.

Now I feel like my eyes and mind have been opened to the realization of a life with a lot less alcohol, and maybe even without alcohol. But I am not ready to label myself yet. I need to spend some time exploring my relationship with alcohol. I need to do more reading. I need to go out and drink and go out and not drink. I don’t plan on going full Annie Grace and taking a video of myself drinking an entire bottle of wine – in fact I don’t plan on ever drinking an entire bottle of wine in one night again. But I do want to have some tonight and see how I feel.

And honestly? I’m hoping it makes me feel like shit. Because I now know what alcohol really is and the impact it has on my body. I also know that I haven’t had any wine in over a month and I have a kickboxing class tomorrow morning so I better watch it!

This is where I am on Super Bowl Sunday 2018. Where will I be next year? Where will I be next month? I don’t know. All I know is I’m so grateful to be on this journey.

Post-Game Update (Congrats Eagles!!): I had one glass. First few sips were fun. I still like the taste. But then I started sneezing! I think I may have had some sort of allergic reaction! Crazy. Finished the glass, kept sneezing, felt no good buzz at all. Just felt less sharp and less happy. Kept sneezing. Ate way too many of my hubby’s homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreading my weigh-in tomorrow but so much to think about. I’m kind of relieved I didn’t love drinking again, I must admit!

Dry January Day 30

Pictured here is a little vignette I like to call “Husband Working Late: 2018 vs. 2017.” On the right side we have how I would have handled a weeknight solo prior to Dry January. On the left side we have my night tonight. Either way, #imomsohard (obviously) and that pint of Enlightened Snickerdoodle is SO going down (only 7 smart points!). But besides the glass and the ice cream, I am gobsmacked by how my habits have changed in just 30 days.

I had another dream last night that I drank an entire bottle of wine and actually woke myself up in a panic before the relief of reality set in. As much as I dislike interrupted sleep, I have to have a moment for how refreshing it is to wake up and feel relief instead of regret!

Tonight when I was putting this photo op together, even just holding the bottle of wine made me feel very strange. I’m still not ready to say goodbye forever, I don’t think. But even though my husband won’t be home until late and I have a rare and welcome night to myself I was not tempted to open that bottle AT ALL.

At the beginning of this month, and in fact for several months and years prior, I never could have imagined getting myself to a place like this. A place of zero temptation. It feels like a miracle, truly.

So I’m going to relish the silence in my house and have a moment for mama. Some time to reflect and celebrate. To feel exactly where I am mentally and emotionally as the last day of January looms beyond tonight’s full moon.

Am I ready for it? I’m not ready for it! Am I?

Yes, I am. Yes I am.

Dry January Day 26

I woke up this morning feeling so strong and svelte and, alas, am ending the day feeling gross and guilty. But at least I’m not drunk! So there’s that.

My doctor’s office told me I had to fast until 1pm today – nothing but water. I can’t believe the impact that it had. By the time I got to my annual wellness visit I felt like I was barely functioning. As soon as I had the routine blood draw, I pounded a Quest protein bar in world record time.

The bar brought me back, but it was not enough to resist the restaurant-style tortilla chips that were back in stock at my local fancy grocery store where I stopped for lunch after my appointment. Cut to the present and I’ve consumed half the bag. Ugh.

Points are tracked. Weeklies are decimated. And I am reminded that these chips are one of my last remaining trigger foods over which I have little to no control. Time to be exiled from my shopping cart for the foreseeable future, chippies! No chip, no matter how perfectly salted, can stand between me and #bikinigoals!

So I settle my bloated self into this Friday evening, seltzer in hand and zero point dinner planned. Hoping that with two days of clean eating before my weigh-in on Monday I can maintain the almost 2lb loss I had as of this morning.

And the kicker? My doctor told me I didn’t need to fast in the first place. Doh!

As guilty as I feel for gorging on those (admittedly amazing, seriously our whole town is addicted – I didn’t see one shopping cart without them!) chips, I am happy and relieved to be feeling negligible wine cravings tonight. And I received these beautiful flowers pictured here for leading a nonprofit volunteer project to great success. It was either a pic of these gorgeous flowers – a reminder that I am putting good work into the world – or the decimated bag of chips.

Day 26! I’ve never felt healthier at a check-up than I did today. I’m reaching the “Naked Mind” part of This Naked Mind – a good note on which to bring this month to its conclusion, though the journey will of course continue. Into the final Dry January weekend we go!